I Can Still Smell the Rose
by GirlWhoWishesSheWasOnFire
Summary: They've all gone mad. Gale, Peeta, Haymitch, Annie, Katniss, and many others. That's what the Games do to you. Even if you weren't a tribute. Now that the rebel war is over and the nation of Panem is being re-built, what will happen to Katniss and Peeta? Please review! I would really like feedback
1. Chapter 1:Recovery?

Fear. That's all I ever feel now. Somewhere there are other feelings trying to get out, but fear is so overpowering. I shudder every time I hear the mention of anyone's name. Annie. Finnick. Prim. Gale. Cinna. Somewhere there is the feeling of anger and rage. There is also a great lot of sorrow. And there is even a tiny smidge of love. Love for who? Mother, perhaps. Or maybe Prim. Is it possible to love someone who is dead? Maybe it's love for Peeta. Just maybe. But mostly all I ever feel is pain. And fear.

I turn to my side. The boy with the bread is beside me. He's trying to squeeze in some sleep, after being up with me all night. He promised to stay awake until I was asleep. Now, I feel horrible. Peeta does so much for me. I can't give him anything in return.

I smell it. It takes everything for me not to gag. Underneath the cleaners and the burnt herbs, I can still smell the faint scent of the rose that had been placed in a bouquet by Snow. I tell myself that I'm surely imagining the bloody aroma. But I swear I can really smell it. There's another scent that I pick up as well. It's coming from the open window. It's so similar to the rosy smell that is in the room, but it's a little different. It doesn't make me gag. It makes me want to cry. It's the scent of the primroses that Peeta planted in the yard.

I get up, trying to be as quiet as possible. I don't want to wake Peeta up. I decide not to shower because I don't want to be too loud. I pull on a burgundy shirt and black pants. These aren't clothes that I used to own, and they're not Capitol clothes either. Cinna didn't design them. I bought them recently, because my old clothes just evoked the nightmares.

I quietly tip-toe downstairs. I pass the living room, and my book filled with memories is resting on the little table. If I look at the book, it feels nice at first. It is nice sometimes to remember. But if I look at it for too long, the mad girl inside me takes over, and I want to rip my hair out, scream, and fall into a pile and sob. I make my way to the kitchen table, pull out a chair, and sit down.

This is where so many people were laid down. This is where my mother and Prim carefully tended to each patient. This is where Gale had once laid, after he was beaten before my eyes in the square. This is where Gale and I had once kissed. But I hadn't felt a thing. Just pity. Gale was right. I only wanted to kiss him when I pitied him. I put my head on the table and sit in a big pool of sorrow and anger. The mad girl is about to come out when I hear Peeta stirring upstairs.

He comes down the stairs, and sees me with my head on the table. I stand up and move towards him.

'Peeta. I am sorry you didn't get much sleep.' I say. 'You don't deserve that,'

'Katniss. It's alright. I am fine. You'll be fine.' Peeta looked up at me as he says that in an assuring tone. He gives me a hug. Just a hug, not a kiss. 'I'll make you some oatmeal.'

I was going to tell him not to go to all that trouble, but I decide not to. I'm not sure why.

Peeta stops what he is doing and looks over at me. 'Katniss. I know that you're feeling pain. We all are. And I know we'll never forget any of this. But we can't just sit here and think about the past. We have to start recovering.'

I think about what Paylor said on television when she became president.

'I know that many rebels across Panem are urging me to immediately take action and start the reformation. But, dear rebels, that is not what we need right now. The time will come to make a new government system. Most people in Panem have been devastated by an event. And this event is not the Hunger Games. This event is the rebel war that occurred. Yes, we needed the war to occur, so we could be released from the Capitol's tight grip. But now, all our nation needs is time for recovery. Take time to let the pain become less unbearable, and to bury our lost loved ones properly. Take the time to rebuild yourself mentally. Recovery. That's what we need."

These words had hung in my mind ever since. I had tried so hard, but recovery at this point seemed impossible.

'I know, Peeta. I know. I have tried. And I will continue to try, but it is just so hard.' I sound pathetic as I say this to him. He just comes over and gestures for me to get up from my seat.

'Come here.' He says, and leads me to the front door.

He opens the front door and a rush of breeze startles us both. We haven't been outside in a while. It is a comfortable temperature that you would only find in the beginning of fall. We both step out on the porch and gaze across the remains of old District 12. I notice District 12 isn't just ruins anymore. It is starting to be re-built. The town part of the District is built just how it used to be. Madge's house looks the same, only newer. There is even a new bakery that resembled the Mellark family's old one. The only difference is that there is no Justice Building. It's just a park now.

The Seam is slowly being re-built as well. Starting from the back and moving forward, saving my old house for last. I know they won't touch it. Even the Hob is being restored. And Greasy Sae, along with many others, will soon have a place to trade. I wonder what has happened to the meadow and forest. I don't dare to visit those places anymore.

Peeta leans toward me, and he puts his arms around me. I press the side of my head into his shoulder. We stay like this for a moment, with my hair blowing slightly in the breeze. Then we kiss. For a moment, I think about pulling away. But then I feel it. The hunger that I have only felt a few times before. The hunger that I felt on the beach in the Quarter Quell.

I start with the basics. _I am Katniss Everdeen. I survived the Hunger Games. I survived a second Hunger Games. I was, and probably still am, the Mockingjay. Prim died. Gale probably killed Prim. I killed Coin. Snow died, too. I don't love Gale. I never have. I love Peeta. Peeta and I are kissing right now…_

Peeta smiles at me. For the first time, I give him a big smile in return. _I am Katniss Everdeen. I survived two Hunger Games. I love Peeta. I am beginning to recover. _


	2. Chapter 2: Children?

Peeta is doing everything he can to help me. He is much stronger than I am. He hardly ever has the thoughts of destroying me that the Capitol had instilled in his brain. Now I am the weak one. I have surely gone mad. I can't remember losing my sanity, but I must've.

Peeta hasn't given up on recovery yet. He takes me outside every day and puts his arm around me as we watch Distirict 12 turn to autumn. He sometimes looks towards the bakery with longing eyes. When I ask him if he wants to go back to working at the bakery again, he insists that he has to stay home with me.

Why is Peeta so good like this? I am hardly a good person. I don't deserve him one bit.

***  
Today is sunny, so Peeta takes me out in the back yard for a picnic. We sit on a little square blanket and nibble on some of Peeta's cookies. My head is resting on his stomach. He is stroking my hair and smiling down at me.

'We haven't had fun like this in a while,' Peeta says.

'No, we haven't,' I say.

'It's nice,'

'I once Gale that I'm never having children,' it slips out of mouth before I realize how utterly random it was. I am surprised that it came out of my mouth with no control.

'What?' Peeta sits up, and my head falls to the blanket.

'Oops. I mean, this just reminded me of that day. It was sunny and warm like it is now.'

'Oh, I thought…' Peeta looks down disappointed.

'Thought what?' I say

'Well, I thought you were telling me you changed your mind.'

'Peeta!' I am angered. 'You know the idea of children terrifies me! I most certainly didn't change my mind!' I run to the door that leads to the kitchen and close it loudly behind me.

I sit on the table and cry. I cry out of fear. Out of anger. But mostly because when I told him about Gale I _had _sort of changed my mind. But the minute he said it aloud I was afraid again. Peeta comes in, and his face looks grim.

'Peeta, I'm sorry. For a moment I _did _change my mind. But then you said it and I was immediately terrified again. I'm sorry. It's not fair. I must be awfully confusing.' My speech is hardly audible through the sobs, but he must have heard most of it. He comes and takes my hand and softly kisses my cheek.

'Katniss. I can wait for kids. It's okay. I just want you to be happy.'

'No Peeta. For once, I'd like you to be happy too.'

'I am happy.'

'Peeta. I want to give you everything you deserve. Every day you give me love but I give you nothing in return.'

'I'm not giving up on having kids yet. The day will come when you change your mind. Until then, all I need from you is your kisses.' He leans over and kisses me long and hard on the lips. I can't help but smile.

'I think I can do that.' I say. I am still not sure if I _ever _want to have a child, but I don't tell Peeta.

After this, Peeta kisses me every chance he gets. He really meant it when he said that's what he wants. I kiss him back, because I want to keep my promise. He wants to do more than this, I can tell, but he refrains. When he puts his arm around me in bed I sit there absolutely horrified. But Peeta is a good man, so all he does is kiss me on the cheek and turns around to fall asleep.

One day, I find Annie Cresta in my living room, with her small baby boy in her arms. He must be about a year old now. Peeta is next to her, smiling and playing with the baby's toes. It makes me sad to see. It is so evident how much Peeta wants children.

'Hi Annie. He's wonderful.' I say, and Peeta and I smile at each other.

'Thanks. Looks just like Finn doesn't he?' Annie's face turns pale at the mention of Finnick, but a smile remains on her face. 'Would you like to hold him? Peeta did earlier,'

I look over at Peeta, and I can tell he wants me to see how it feels. I have a feeling that this is a part of his plan to convince me. 'Okay,'

I've only ever held one baby before and that was Gale's sister Posy. That was so long ago. Annie hands him over to me but stays close. I am ashamed, but I don't feel a thing. It gives me no longing for children. Yes, he is cute, and he is very much like Finnick, but it ends there. I feel like I am letting Peeta down.

I hand him back to Annie. 'He is so adorable. He will grow up in a better world.'

'Indeed. I would love to take him to the sea, but there's too much pain.' Annie says

'I understand.'

'Well, it was nice seeing the both of you. One day you'll have one of these as well!'

Peeta says, 'Hopefully we will.' I can only pull together a smile.

Annie heads out the door, and Peeta embraces me. All I can say is, 'Finnick shouldn't have died.'

Peeta is disappointed, I can tell. He kisses me and I kiss back.

_I still do not want children at all. _


End file.
